a peek into my world.... life isn't as simple as it seems to be.

A msg frm me to u...

2009-12-13T06:16:00.000-08:00

Assalamualaikum...

It has really been awhile... and i was thinking, i wanted to post this entry. Not knowing if she is going to read this. This would be the first time i decide to type a message to her openly.

To a friend whom i miss dearly and always wishes well for...

Miss Siti Hafizah Bte Masrohin...

You know what? I still think of you and misses you. Once a month I will check your blog to read about the latest update about how you are right now. We grew apart, didn't we? How it happen? I'm not really sure but I think deep inside we both kinda know...

When i read about the troubles you have in your life, your worries~ family or personal, I doa that you keep going strong and insyallah, Allah stays with you to give you strength in life. May you find happiness in life.

Deep inside, i kinda wish you were able to talk to me about your problems in the past. However, i understand you prefer privacy and thus i took a step back and wanting to let you know that you could turn to me if you need to one day...

However, an incident happened, and things started getting awkward frm then and we slowly stopped communicating. The four years of friendship came to a halt. But i want to let you know, I cherish the four years of strong friendship we had in Secondary School. I truly took upon you as a sister I never had. Thanks for the memories... Thanks for the lovely friendship you had given me. Thanks for everything.

On the other hand, if in the course of our friendship, I made any mistake, i offer my sincere apology. Please halalkan segala hutang and makan minum. I don't know if our path would ever cross again one day. Nevertheless, take care of yourself... Stay strong... May you find happiness in life...

Yours Sincerely,
Nuraina(Aina)

2009-06-06T02:11:00.000-07:00

Hey all!!!

I'm back from Alterisk Camp. I had fun! supeeeeeeer fun!

I took chances on my fear of heights because I wanted to prove to myself that I can toughen up and pray that insyallah I'll be fine. Only Allah knows how fast my heart was beating and the very tight grip that I had on the ropes. My lips and heart were constantly repeating doa-doas in hopes to calm down my nerves and at many points, I shut my eyes and breathe in and out trying to put myself in the calm zone especially when my hands and legs started to get all shaky and jittery. Alhamdulillah, I got through it and there was a sense of accomplishment that I felt at the end. I was crouching down on the floor with my head in between my legs, telling myself I did it. My phobia of height has been with me ever since I was young. I used to hold my Mum's hands so tightly when crossing the overhead bridge and I hate going to people with their homes at such high level. Whenever I look down, I feel myself falling down and until now looking down from 10-12 storey high building gives me that same sick feeling.

Rock-climbing was another obstacle that I wanted to stay away from because in JC, I made a fool out of myself for not wanting to let go and let the belayer slowly drop me to level ground. I was rooted up there in the middle of the wall not wanting to let go and classmates and tutor started to calm me down and urging me to let go. I remember shutting my eyes, saying bismillah and let the wall go FINALLY. I think I kinda screamed the way down. It was not a pretty sight and thus, the rock-climbing obstacle was one I thought may lead to such outcome, I wanted to skip it. But, due to all the other facis had given it a try and that a camper of mine passing me the harnest urging me to go, I decided to do it... When climbing up, I was determined to reach to the top and not looking down because I know that I will give up once I look down. I will imagine myself falling and crashing down. Alhamdulillah, I did it. I felt so bersyukur for the strength Allah has given me.

Dragon-boating was super fun!hahaha... one of the reasons is because the group I was in won. WIth determination we all had and cooperation, not to mention I think I screamed loudly to motivate the rowers, (sorry Fatmah for my screamings!) we won!!!!!!. My group was damn hype during amazing race which is superb...:):)

Anyway, I still don't think I deserve the "best Female Facilitator" because I think other female facis did outshine me and nevertheless alhamdulillah for the award(I still think the award should go to someone else). Gd job facis and most of us are guilty of being half-asleep during the subuh's bacaam doa.

Ultimately, what matters is that, Alhamdulillah, the camp turned out well.
GD JOB AD-HOC! sorry my imperfect '3 cheers' leading for all of you but I know the hardwork you've gone through. Being a camp commandant for a 2days 1 night camp was an experience that was full to ups and downs, and therefore I cannot imagine the preparation they have taken to organise a 3days 2nights camps. YOU ALL DID GOOD! *patting on all of your back*

With the knee injury coming back to haunt me, doakan for my health. Insyallah, it will be better in time:)

I hope that Allah continues to give me strength and give me direction in life. Insyallah.

2009-05-30T06:58:00.000-07:00

HI there....

Anyway, I managed to clear quite a lot of the to-do list for the holidays which include

Getting a new track pants
Get my working pants altered
Get new tailor made pants
Get rid of old clothes in my cupboard
Get a small sling bag
Get a big bottle (after much hesitation)
Get a new pair of heels
Get a new pair of flats
Get sandals
Go ice-skating(who hoo!)
Start reading my long-awaited books(novels and biography! LOVE!)
Finish up my subject list and CV for TE
Get a new telekung

Things I've yet to do

Get a new hp(next month maybe)
Get a haircut
Get my compaq laptop reformatted
Get rid of more clothes(I'm having a hard time disposing old posessions)
Get a sports bag/sling bag for school
Go and start learning _______ from my mum ( I need to fulfill my promise)
Finish up my daily contact lens before expiry date(I hate using contact lens!)

Anyway off to camp on Tues... I wonder how the camp will turn out to be...

2009-05-17T01:48:00.001-07:00

I love this philophical thinking...

We are all drivers in the world. We drive a car and we make a choice on how fast or slow the car is goin to move. We cannot blame the car when we get a speeding ticket.

Likewise, we are in control of our life. We make choices in life and we have to bear the consequences to all our actions. Do not blame others for the mistakes you make in life. You are in control of your life. We are always in control of our life. You may be reckless or careful if you want to. You control the pace(well, except those traffic lights....hahahaha). Allah will provide you with barriers in life(not beacuse HE hates you.. but he wants to challenge you on whether your iman is strong and if you would waver under the pressure of life) and in turn you build character.

All challenges in life, makes you grow and mature. What would life be without challenges. A boring easy life.... where you stay naive and childish....

So PEOPLEEEEEEE.... take control of your choices in life. May choices knowing that you have made the best one. And if you make mistakes, well, don't dwell too much... learn from them and move on...

2009-05-10T06:51:00.000-07:00

For the different choices we make,

Make it with a reason.

And when we look back,

Let us not regret those decisions

For they are made with best thoughts and reasonings

If there are mistakes made,

Learn from them

You may regret

but never be down for it

for take it as a lesson to be learnt

For it will make you a stronger person

2009-02-01T01:08:00.000-08:00

I'm trying to more organised and yesh... i'm taking small baby steps.

Anyway, in less than 2 months my brother will be a husband. It's good to add another oestrogen with all the existence testosterone in the family. hahaha....

Anyway 2 important events insyallah will happen, other than Abang Faizal's Nikah ceremony which will happen suring the first half of this month. It may not be big to an outsider but to me they are indeed sometime that will have a deep impact in my life.

Losing weight is in one of my main goal other than to have an improvement in my quality of life. When the 20 has come and your teen years are gone, you realise that age is cathing up. Like a friend of mine, Shiying said "yalar... I feel old". Hahaha.... Are you going to be satisfied living in this state of mind and knowledge?

A question pops into my head a few weeks ago. Why a lot of people feel the need to conceal something that is good. Like wanting to solah, obeying your parents wishes, wanting to dress modestly. It is mind-boggling. Why are we ashame to do something good? WHy do we want to conform to the 'in-crowd' even though deep inside we do know what is right and wrong. The path is clear but we don't want to be label as a saint. Why not? Why do one feel it is so downgrading?

Mengakah kita selalu membesarkan keduniaan yang hanya sementara. Bilakah masa kita akan kembali? Hari sekarang hari baik buat kita namun apa yang ada di dalam hidup kita hanyalah pinjaman. Nyawa, duit, harta-benda, keluarga dan kawan-kawan. Setiap pinjaman akan ada hadnya dan bila sudah sampai kita pulangkan benda itu kepada yang maha Esa, adakan kita ada hak untuk tidak mengembalikannya? Tentunya tidak. Kita hanyalah manusia kerdil yang mempunyai tanngungjawab untuk mengisi kehidupan ini seperti mana yang kita mahui. Dengan gejala maksiat atau dengan perbuatan yang baik di sisi Allah SWT.

Memang kita sebagai manusia ada perasaan tetapi ingatlah kita juga ada keupayaan yang dianugerahkan untuk mengawal supaya ia tidak menjadi keterlaluan. Allah memberi kita akal oleh itu fikirkanlah. Kadangkala, ilmu yang kita ada ini tidaklah banyak namun kita ada daya untuk memperluaskan pengetahuan supaya kita tidak seperti bak kata orang buta yang mengikut haluan tanpa ada hala tujuan. Kita selalu berasa kekosongan kerana hati ini selalu dikosongkan.

Memang siapa yang membaca mungkin fikir saya sebagai ingin memberi syarahan tetapi ini hanyalah peringatan. Saya pun banyak cacat-celanya. Banyak yang harus diperbaiki. Saya bersyukur jika ditegur supaya diri ini dapat diperbetulkan supaya insyallah saya akan kembali kepadaNYA sebaik mungkin yang saya sapat. Doakan saya. Insyallah.

2009-01-13T04:40:00.001-08:00

I am going to make some changes to my lifestyle... To live more purposefully and healthy...

To go for jogging (when I have time)
To eat more consciously
To spare more time for activities that benefit others
To take my supplementaries and vitamins more religiously

I had a talk with someone(a friend) today. I've been finding someone who will motivate me further to put my all in my studies and I'm truly grateful for it. I believe if he has the capability to do it, I should be able to do it too:):)

I'm making a move to widen by social group my friends. I hope this does not offend anyone, sometimes I feel the need to not stick too much to a specific group. I belive in ,well, be able to have a diverse group of friends whom I can hang out with differently every now and then. In the past, it was the opposite. I seek for a group of friends I can stick by with. However now, it seems like it's great to get to know more people and be able to have open and diverse topic of conversation.

Today in total, I hanged out with 4 different groups of people whom I get to know much better. With a smile and sincerity, it helps a lot in communicating. 2 years ago, you will never see me in this light.

Yet, I am still that reserved person who still am wary of strangers at time. Most of my friends will label me to be 'polite' for the initial 'polite' customary way I act in front of a new-found friend. Deep inside, I am a crazy person. Those teachers in my previous school know how crazy I am. Hehe... and especially my family. Outside, I potray myself as a mature person yet at home I may act more like a 10 year kid(minus the whiny part). I love to hug people(mind you, only my mahrams). The gift of touch certainly work wonder...

Anyway, I claimed my 'loan' laptop...yay! whopee doo!

2008-12-21T17:01:00.000-08:00

OMG... people around me are either planning to get married or just got married and they are around my age. Gosh... gosh.... they ARE around my age. No offence to these people, I am happy for their marriage, but I know I am not going to be ready to tie the knot yet.

Being a wife at the age of 20/21, while still studying... oh gosh, don't think I'll be able to handle to it. Personally, I'm not mature enough and prepared. Insyallah, when time is right and I know I have the sufficient knowledge and maturity to handle being a good wife and mother(when a child comes knocking into my life), I will then step into the marriage life. For now, nothing matters more than finishing my education well and taking care of my parents and enjoying the warmth of the siblings love. I want to be equipped with the good knowledge of agama and stability for me to know my responsiblities well. I do not want to be a naive person who think only by the heart.

For I am a head-headed person who is driven by a sense of responsibility, I shall take things as they come and when I feel things are right, I will then venture into a life with the right pre-knowledge.

A few more days to the reopening to school... Arghh!!Still a few more things I need to do:P

Anyway, I am such a freak for books, I just bought the 15th book this month. Yupz... craziness. Oh ya, for those who think twilight series are for freaks, well, you may want to think otherwise because curiosity leads to me reading and ADORIIIIIIING the book. Yesh, Edward is one-hell of a vampire that you just wana have by your side. In the meantime, I need to find a victim who is ready to accompany to watch a movie... Hmmz, my cousin sounds so appealing... muahahahaha

2008-12-11T05:24:00.000-08:00

This is my 367 posts... wow! it has been a very very long time... hehe...

Anyway, first and foremost I would like to say alhamdulillah... praise to the God of Almighty who has bless me with rahmat and rezeki. Alhamdulillah, the camp went alright. As per normal, glitches here and there are a norm to every camp. It always keep me on my toes. In the end what matters is that the kids had fun and their well-being is taken care of. Oh I just wish that I could have had more contact with them:):)... And guess what? One of the kids was from from my Art Club. So funny how he looked so shocked asking what I was doing. It was great to see him though.

I've met 2 of my dear darlings who I can always talk to which are Farhana and Jannah. It's good to share our schooling experience and to know what are the things happening in their life. Anyway, a shout-out to jannah for passing her bike test! wohoo~~ so proud of her. Jannah, do take care when you are on the road.

Farhana, it is always fun to just hang out with her and we can talk about a lot of things under the sun. We always question ourselves on how the friendship started because we were never in the same class or even group. A friend of a friend.

Anyway, results out! alhamdulillah, I did fine... I wished I did a bit more better but I'm thankful with what Allah has grace me. Jiayou Aina... You can do better next time. Achieve for more As.... hehehe...

Anyway, I'm in need to cut my hair and also pack my bag for the trip to KL this weekend...

2008-11-08T01:14:00.000-08:00

Things are so messed up right now.

wow.... it's 'interesting' that some aren't happy.... wow!*sarcasm*
Shitty position shitty work...
k lar... i'm counting down the days until im out of this position....
less than a month. Jiayou girl.

You can do it!
I get so angry this few days.... I just do that.
I really am not in the mood to meet up any friends this month on November.

Things are so messed up. My work and worries are never-ending...

Aina aims to be a villain the next few days and don't bloody care how people think.... to hell with all that. I'm not here to please you! but to make this work

Gives me the patience and strength Allah... Insyallah, this will all turn out well

2008-10-10T06:12:00.000-07:00

Salamz to all....

BIG NEWS!

I'm such a big klutz that I just had to sprained my leg during the 3rd Hari Raya in school.
A big note to me, I'm not going to sms when walking down the stairs again. Swollen... Very swollen. Haiz...

Anyway, I'm noticing how Ms Nice is being taken advantage of again. Haiz... why do ppl just have to test the water time and again. Are you really waiting for me to blow up???

I am craving for a lot of things.... Yupz... FOOD!!

'Aina needs to shut her mouth at time. Keep whatever disagreement to herself. BUT PROBLEM is i can't. Seriously, i need to just keep my opinion to myself.

Note to myself again: Don't lead a big grp.... You are stearing yourself into a pit.

~Nitesssss~

2008-09-20T01:23:00.000-07:00

I was in an utterly mad mood yesterday. It is horrible when your peers are ALREADY late and then they act so disrespectful when you talk. I was especially really pissed off with one of my guy friends. When i was already ready to back down, he managed to convince me not to and fight for what you believe in till the end. We will watch each others' back. Words are just words. If only all of them are my p3 pupils, I'll blow my top off. I was so ready to take my thumbdrive, my bag and walk off at that very moment. I just need respect from them. Is that so hard? I'm never going to put myself into this kind of situation again!Never!

I guess the problem with me is that you throw me a job, I will never to able to do it lightly. I've done the calling and I've done the job tasking. I'm just going to lead and I don't really care who and what all of them think. At least I'm helping the group move forward.

Maybe I should have insisted we appoint out grp Fasil to be the leader(well... she should!) and see the progress our group is making. If that happen, i'll laugh and well... follow the majority's voice. I should just keep my mouth shut the next time round. I SHOULD!

Fuming mad with quite a number of people actually.

Sorry guys.. i really cannot afford to squeeze time for lunch or dinner dates at this moment. I owe quite a few number of people dates. Will contact you guys when my schedule is clearer.

2008-08-30T06:12:00.000-07:00

Assalamualaikum. Hi all!!

Anyway, Happy Teachers' Day to the fellow teachers out there!

I'm reminiscing the exact moment in time a year ago. A newbie entering the teaching world. My first Teachers' Day celebration. It was great to know that once a year, you actually seriously are able to see the care, appreciation and love from your students.

But now a lot of projects and tutorials i need to do this weekend. ARGHH!!! Monday is my first presention for my studies in NIE. Wish me luck.

I see the change in me after a year undergoing the Contract teaching. No longer the timid Aina. I'm more open to sharing my viewpoints and ideas with the ideas and it's great to be able to participate more. SOmetimes I think i can be rather pushy. LOLs:):):)

Aina will persevere on through the challenges and not afraid to face the challenges set. Insyallah, Allah will guide me along....

2008-08-17T06:17:00.000-07:00

:-)

Assalamua'laikum...

Let's start by saying these few weeks have been quite interesting. Im in need to adjust to schooling life. I have officially dubbed myself as a blur sotong girl in directions. Can't hide it. Just can't.

Anyway, signed up for countless of CCAs and groups. I need to pick what i want right now. No more signing up without thinking. Thanks to my newfound friends. Truthfully, most of their names are not in my memory right now. I can recognise faces but names... a no-no.

Amalina and I have officially agreed that we will gain weight with each other as company during breaks. What do we do during the breaks. We eat! and Eat!

I miss my muffins and baked rice. Meeting Priz soon for lunch at our eating place. Yesh, Cheezzzzzzzzy baked rice, Here we Come!!!!

Anyway, the free time i seem to be having, have been filled with me reminiscing the past. A lot of things happened as unexpected. While others are. You take things in stride. Hearts are heartbroken along the way. I just seek Allah to continue guiding me and giving me strength. I don't fret for what life has in offer in life. Alhamdulillah for all the good things and blessings. For all the setbacks and sadness, it's an opportunity for me to grow and reflect upon myself. Everything in life happens for a reason. The difficulty and problems faced, are those that are thrown to us within out capabilities. HE knows your limit.

I'm still waiting for an sms or email from u. I never did give up on this friendship. I just want u to be pro-active to make sure that this friendship will continue on. Or have u given up? months and months of waiting for a simple- hello. How r u. Instead of me smsing u. Will still be waiting. All the best in whatever you are doing. I will never hope for the worst for you. Take care always!

'Find a purpose in life. Work towards it. Know that when you are old, you don't look back and say to yourself. I wish.... I hope. Lead your life with no regrets. At the end of the day, say a prayer for the blessings in life for the wealth and posessions which are gifts which can be taken away anytime through Allah's command. With a single command from him, those possessions and wealth can be taken away from you in an instant. Say your syukur. Say Alhamdulillah. Thanks you Allah for blessing me with this life. For making me have a proper meal each day. Family by my side. Shelter for me to sleep in. Protect this being of yours from being someone who's greedy, unappreaciative and ill-hearted. Amin- ya rabbalalamin.'

A part of me wants to play an active role in NTUMS (NTU Muslim Society) but the distance of the school and my home and the timing. Haiz... nevermind. I wanna adjust to schooling life for now!

tmr!!! skol!!!
calculus! algebra! :-P

2008-08-01T09:39:00.000-07:00

It's a sudden transaction for me. I do have moments where I start missing my friends in Changkat or my dear pupils even. I wish them all the best!!!

4 years in NIE will truly be made full use of. A lot of friends are made in a matter of 2 weeks. Though I have to admit Im not sure some of their names. I will go *shit! what's his/her name?*

hahaha.. 2 consecutive camps were tiring but gotta admit, It was fun. NTUMS camp set my priority and intention straight. It is a good stepping stone for the Muslims undergrads. You realise how minute you are. How irresposible you have been. How you are too caught up with the globalisation and progession that you don't see the big picture around you! Life for us Singaporeans have been an easy road. You complain about things that are ridiculous. Relationships, parents- not realizing just having those are already blessings in life... you don't realise how fortunate to be born into a society where the people are not plunge into poverty, propaganda, war or insecurity. There are a few vows that I've made at the end of the camp. Hopefully, I'll abide by my vows. May Allah provide me guidance. Give me strength and courage! I wana be a better person. A better Muslimah. To abide by the laws of Islam. To embrace the beauty of it. Islam is a beautiful religion. A lot of incidents like 9/11 have tainted the image of Islam, making the non-muslims think that Islam promotes terrorism and violence. A sematic religion that does more harm to society at large. All these are REALLY misconceptions... Actually, ironically, truth is Islam's teachings detests violence and harm. It promotes peace. Misintepretations of the texts in Quran by the Muslims and executing the wrong values painted the facade that the Non-muslims see of Islam.

NIE FOC camp allowed me to widen my social circle. Only starting off knowing Tuty when i entered Bachelor Of Science(Education), i realised the need to know a lot more people. Precisely what i did!! Astri, Raudhah, Fit, Tasha, Su, Charlyn, vanessam Shiling... etc Now, I can go to NIE waving Hi's to these people along the way.

I WANNA GET MY MUFFINS tomorrow... haha, My GESL group knows what I'm talking about.

Wassalam!
Nitez peeps.

P.s. Jannah, Sarah, Keyun! miss you peeps! cya guys soon yah?

2008-06-19T09:02:00.000-07:00

Alhamdulillah... All praises goes to the God of Almighty. Thank you Allah. Thank you for this blessing. Thank you for answering my prayers with this unexpected gift. This makes me want to tear up again. An unexpected turn of event. I was heartbroken a few months ago when I was told I was rejected again by all my degrees application. It made me rethink of the degree in accountancy offer i rejected last year. No matter what, alhamdullilah, I was in the diploma programme. Syukur. But today, I went to school for my meeting, and I wasn't expecting anything. There, the letter in my in-tray waiting for me. I didn't read the letter at first as I was simply surprise to see another letter after the latest letter. I asked Chantel if she received any. She didn't. I started reading the heading and was feeling rooted to the ground. I was just shocked. Blessed Chantel. I know she was feeling down because she didn't get a letter too. I felt bad for her. She hugged me nevertheless.

Anyway, the letter offered me a place in the BSc (Primary). I went Whoa. Is this really happening? I thought I got rejected by a letter already. I was in shock the whole time. I shoved it to Su at first where she screamed and hugged me tightly. My surrogate big sister. Thanks Su! I went up to the AV room where I shared the news. They congratulated me and felt happy for me. They are like a family to me. The P3 teachers. Who would ever thought that there was still chance for me... Insyallah, I will get through this phase....

:-) When you feel down, HE surprises you at the most uncanny moment. Never lose hope! HE listens. HE knows. Just don't ever forget HIM and HE will not forget you. Segala puji bagi Allah SWT.

2008-06-14T02:14:00.000-07:00

K lar, funny ting happened today. I bursted out laughing when i read someone's blog. I guess it is true what goes around comes around. I don't mean to gloat but i can't help it. You know how you used to have to explain yourself and finally giving up and decide to go on and not waste time. That was what exactly happened. Now, the same thing is happening to the person. You are now in my 'shoe'. All the best babe!

I baked last week. Yes, I did. Without an inch of help. *smilez*

I neeeeeeeeed to draaaaaaaaaaaaag Priz to eat baked rice once school reopens!!!!!!!! Im craving for one again. She is so gonna moan and give me that disbelief look.

I need to contact a few people. Arghh.... i know i'm quite slow in catching up with all of your life. Don't worrrrry no matter how long it takes I will try to contact k?

In exactly less than 2 months my life is going to change... switching role from a teacher to a pupil. Gona miss my children though.... YES! EVEN THOSE NAUGHTY ONES.

I had a dream about orang utans. How weird is that?? Anyway, Abg got a job as a draftsman already in this MNC company. Now, all four of us are working. A few days ago, I jus realised no matter how stubborn and hot-headed all my brothers are they still do care about me. Those things they do, helping out with my IT shopping by taking half-day off, asking around regarding whether it is safe for me to stay in dorm(mind you I din ask him to do that) and other instances. I feel so blessed. Im blessed for the loving family. May Allah always protect us from harms-way and provides guidance. Insya-Allah.

2008-06-09T08:14:00.000-07:00

What's new?

Charm bracelet(finally has gotten one after months deliberating)
Books (a lot of them)
A new pair of heels for Min's wedding (It's just an excuse! I've been wating 2 replace the old worn-out pair)
New blouses ('surprise' 'surprise'!)
I finally finished clearing my box full of A-level papers.
Sorted out my files and books.
Bought new vcds
Rotting at home

Oh no! blurted out something that I've kept to myself to dear priz. Die! she is so gona spread rumours...

2008-05-16T08:09:00.000-07:00

Time really do pass quickly...

I'm trying to imagine that day when i finally bid farewell to the school.
Goodbye to my kids
Goodbye to my fellow colleague. They have been wonderfully nice.
They've took me in without hesitation. They treated me like their kid sister. Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart.

To the crazy ridiculous conversation to those serious ones. I've gone to appreciate them... A journey taken together with a bunch of 'fully grown kids'. I've always been the blur one but hey... that's me. Thanks a bunch guys... to tell you the truth it is going to be sad because i've grown attached to all of you! But I need to move on... With memories created to remember the past.

2008-05-09T05:49:00.000-07:00

*Negativity destroys my hope-- that's all i have to say*
*All the best in whatever you do! You may think all the horrible things about me. At the end of the day, i wish you could cut open my chest and see that sincerity. I would never wish bad things for you. NEVER. No matter what you were once a very very important part of my life. You need to know that. You may choose to not believe. I can't force you. Dear, life is full of twist and turn. I want to be a part of that. Cheers... believe in yourself. You matter. Ends here for now*

I'm going to miss them. Seriously, i will. They've been like a family. A nonsensical family. Though the youngest but surely I am still treated well. Jokes and laughters, part of the days we have spent together. A month or two to go before I hopefully leave. Though i can't wait to embark on another journey, it stills feel sad to leave others. Thanks to them for the support and care. Thanks for not treating me like an outsider. Thanks for everything. This journey has been a special one because you were all there to be part of this journey.

*hint.. kheesh, sue, min if you're lurking around here... hi guys*waves* curiosity ishk... ishk... must control impulsivity (HOMs)

whooooooopee dooo

2008-05-06T11:03:00.000-07:00

It's 2 am

Bonkers body n mind!

WHOPEE DOO>..................................

WHAT HURTS THE MOST

I can take the rain on the

roof of this empty house

That don’t bother me

I can take a few tears now and

then and just let them out

I’m not afraid to cry

every once in a while

Even though going on with you

gone still upsets me

There are days every now and

again I pretend I’m ok

But that’s not what gets me

What hurts the most

Was being so close

And having so much to say

And watching you walk away

And never knowing

What could have been

And not seeing that loving you

Is what I was tryin’ to do

It’s hard to deal with the pain

of losing you everywhere I go

But I’m doin’ It

It’s hard to force that smile when

I see our old friends and I’m alone

Still HarderGetting up

, getting dressed,l

ivin’ with this regret

But I know if I could do it over

I would trade give away all the

words that I saved in my heartT

hat I left unspoken

What hurts the most

Is being so close

And having so much to say

And watching you walk away

And never knowing

What could have beenA

nd not seeing that loving you

Is what I was trying to do

What hurts the most

Is being so close

And having so much to say

And watching you walk away

And never knowing

What could have been

And not seeing that loving you

Is what I was trying to do

Not seeing that loving you

That’s what I was trying to do

2008-05-06T10:50:00.000-07:00

It is easy to shoot people with accusations...

It is easy for humans to judge...

It is easy for friends to turn enemies

and

even strangers

I've experienced it all

There's no point investing time and thought
when the other party doesn't care

It takes 2 hands to clap

I'm tired
tired of being the only catalyst in this friendship
I'm conceding to reality
Let the fence be left broken
unamended
I'm putting the decision in your hands
NOT mine but yours

I'm going to be here waiting if you choose to mend
our friendship
or
I'm ready to go away with a word of farewell from you

Giving up on us was never an issue
but it's time we face the music
too many secrets
too many lies
too many holes

Life is as simple
or as complicated as
you want it to be
No use complicating it

Thinking back
was i too naive around you
was i too intimidating for you
was i not good enough

You may be reading this
thinking it's you
maybe it's true or maybe not
I used to say i'm not giving up on us but the truth is i'm starting to be defeated

I GUESS I'M NOT STRONG ENOUGH

2008-04-29T00:06:00.000-07:00

oh.... it's been so long since i last posted an entry in my blog! Months perharps!

I wanna be a kid again.... Seriously I want to.

Gosh, I seem to have grown so much and how i miss being a teenager. A teacher. Me, at this age? Sometimes I don't understand life...

I miss being with my friends... Sianz...

Reality check! u chose this life. Stick wif it thru thick and thin.

2008-01-17T16:01:00.000-08:00

i know... i know... it's been quite some time wince i last blogged. Can't help it with the current situation.

Anyway, i've been feeling distressed these few days. Hormonal change? maybe. I wonder if this path is the correct one. I feel kind of redundant every now and then. You're not sure where you stand. I wish i know. I'm here on my desk. Not really looking forward to the rest of the day. As i know i will be spending time doing the same routine of watching. I mean i know it is really learning experience. I dont know but i really can't hep but to exhibit double personality. Deep inside, i'm confused. I need guidance. I miss dear chantel. She's sick these few days. Ear infection. I want to have someone to talk to without having any worries that that the person is judgemental on you. I need someone who understands. Hello, i'm only 19. duh, i'm stil confused. One confusion after another, Piling up, its just detrimental. typing this makes me feel so emotional. I don't have to hide my feelings here. Where is the support system i'm 'supposedly' given? Where's that person who is supposed to encourage me. I'm being emotional. So emotional and i don't like it. Everything is so piled up in me that it sometimes feel like a dam ready to burst open.

Don't get me wrong. i don't actually have a change of mind about this career path i'm choosing. I just wish the other party could at least provide me with the support needed instead of 'using' my presence in the school like an extra workforce. Im new. A newbie, who has yet to catch up and be trained. The phrase 'Aina, you can do it.' is like my motivation. However, sometimes a strong person still breaks down... But Aina shall be strong take things in stride and believe in Allah that HE will give me the strength to carry on living this goal. HE knows my worries and hopefully he shall give me solace and wisdom.

2007-11-26T17:37:00.001-08:00

First and foremost, i would like to express my gratitude for those birthday wishes. Yes, I'm finally 19! Yayness! Thanks for those gifts... But ultimately, what I'm touched for is for those of you who remembered, from my primary school friends to my colleague.

Anyway, I'm in the morning session next year. Oh my, have to adjust my sleeping time... No more staying up late to chat or surf the net. However, i'm separated from my friend, contract teacher. She's going to be in the afternoon session. Haiz... I'll survive. Must try to assimilate to the situation.

I'm here brooding over what i shall do. So Yes, Aina is at her desk not sure what to do except for blogging. Too early to disturb someone's sleep.

I met two of my friends over the weekend. Rindu them so much. Hahaha... I spent time window shopping and having lunch with them without actually buying anything. My budget is kinda crammed this month so yes, have to control my spendings.

Will be cramming my hutang puasa next week hopefully before i'm off for a holiday and Hari Raya Haji. Oh ya, totally forgot about the mess in my room. My mum is like complaining about the mess in the room. Blame on my impulse buying on books. And now, i don't even have sufficent space to stack them....

It is about the end of the year already. Soon, it will be December. Yes, a year of struggle, heartbreak and wisdom. I've become wiser i think or should i say mature in my thinkings. Being more realistics with my goal and aim. Yet, being persistent and resilience to be able to weather the storm that seems to be blown in my way every now and then.

Till i'm bored again.... i shall sign off here....

2007-11-26T17:37:00.000-08:00

2007-11-21T04:18:00.000-08:00

Yes, finally i've had time to update my blog. Hmm.... but must be careful about what i type in case some unforseen visitors decides to lurk around. You know what i mean??

Anyway, a quarter of my chapter has passed. Been an interesting chapter as a contract teacher. You learn to persevere on, having that resilience... Yes, i shall not be knocked down by a few mishaps here and there. Learn to absorb in and continue on. No use harping on your past mistakes.

I had one to one conversation with someone today. It made me realise how i'm more emotionally strong now. Or more like i'm more grounded and know how to prioritise. Certain things may seem to be important on the surface, but deep within it's not. Scarefolding needs to be done. Have a time to yourself. Take time. Those few minutes you spent are worth it.

Have you ever felt defeated? you don't know what's wrong? Whether there's a way to tap into the matter? Dig in deep. You feel that you've tried your best, but nothing is working. Is it time to let things go? Are these signs to show this is not meant to be? i think so. Or maybe i did something wrong? I believe things will eventually go the way it should and i have to take it in and make peace with it. Time will tell...

This was in my diary some time ago(last yr)
*

I've shed tears

I've had my heart broken

I've had it trempled over

Yet,

a smile is painted on me

To hide the pain within

To hide the problems i faced

To hide what's deep inside

A tortured soul

who needs a companion

one who doesn't judge

one who cares

one who listens

one who can be a true friend

Where are you dear friend?

Where shall i find you?

Where are you among these pretentious souls?

Where are you?

Because....

simply....

I need you...............

2007-10-15T00:30:00.000-07:00

Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri to all Muslim brothers and sisters...

i'm taking a break from my kitchen chores. My house has been bombarded by relatives both near and distant. Tired. Yes. People find it weird i'm helping my mum with the preparing of food, i.e. cooking and drinks.

One whole week without looking or meeting my school kids. Yayness! Can finish up marking their papers. In a matter of 3 months or so, i managed to experience the class environment of all levels. Basically teaching p2, p3 and p5. The other primary levels, p4 and p6 i managed to sit in an do basic relief. p1 i just look at how a teacher handle the class. But seriously, i love the p3 teachers dymnamic, so friendy and wacky. The care and concern they show also touch my heart.

Doakan everything will go on well for me untill July. Insyallah, if god permits i'll be able to enter NIE.

2007-09-30T07:11:00.000-07:00

my blog has been pretty dead this part few weeks... ehemm... months actually

last week was pretty chaotic. Being dumped into the morning session to relief this teacher for a period of 2 weeks. Literally being dumped and asked to survive on my own by really being thick-skin and asking around. i din even know who i'm suppose to relief. i was only told which class so had to ask around.

New batch of working environment and kids. Starting anew. Life been better as days went pass. The first day was like seriousky a mind-blowing incident. I have to really say thanks to a person who helped me through the first step. Thanks, u know who u r. Not even knowing me well enough he helped me when i was panicking. He is a good guy. His fiance is a one lucky gal. Hahaha... i treat him like an older brother in school. i know he'll help me though.

Miss my p2s though. Especially during children's day, i was touched to see my p2 kids went
Ms____, Ms____(waving to enthusiastically)
Or Ms_____ i miss you!
Or Ms______ can i hug you....

hahaha.... seriously kids, no matter how frustrated u r wif them, they touch and tug your heart so dearly with their actions and innocence. Managed to mark 2 sets of 40 worksheets today. One set of 40 compos to go through today. Dreading!

tommorow, i'm up for baking cookies for raya. Haiz... what to do? It's a female thing after all. I went shopping at geylang today... finding stuff for my brothers not for me. hahahaha....

k lar, off to go... till next time. Adios!

2007-08-24T05:45:00.000-07:00

I've not been updating cos i'm so damn tired each day. The situation is better now with the help of other teachers and also the suggestion they put across. No more Ms Nice. Both chantel and I, we're being stricter than we once were. No walking around. If u walk, bag outside. If you choose to take your bag outside, you can stay there. Defiance or rude, note to parents and they need to sign or if the case is terrible, parents will be called instead. And the next day, if it is not signed, parents will definitely be called. Water bottles outside, no drinking without permission. Since my class is filled with kids who are active, we have to enforce that. And NO SMILING at them. Hahahaha

Anyway, next week is their comman tests so here i go worried over it wanting to recap as much as possible and marking the worksheets, workbook and practice papers.

What i'm glad and appreciate most is the support from other teachers. Their willingness to show us the ropes is just really heartwarming...

The teachers are playing 'Angels and Mortals'. I got a blue furry teddy pen last week. I got a mug today, the one with chalk so i can write memo on it!!! LOVE MY ANGEL!!!!

My room is in the mess... Must clean up during the weekends. Friends, i'm sorry that i couldn't make plans to meet up with you these few weeks. My schedule kinda pack. Maybe two weeks from now?

Do sms me yah?

2007-08-11T07:15:00.000-07:00

I'm so glad i'm in the afternoon session instead of the morning session due to some issues i just found out.

Staff bowling was fun. Haha... although most of the bowling balls ended up in the gutter, luckily i wasn't ranked the lowest, i was ranked somewhere in the middle. Phew! Currently, we're having the 'angels and mortals' game among the staff. I'll not spill out who is my mortal. Hmm... what should i surprise my mortal with?

Anyway, long weekend. Yay!!! i did a lot of things that i've put off doing. Like spring cleaning my cupboard again or as weird as organizing my clothes into colours and the type of garment. Hahaha...

I feel like dragging my mum out tomorrow. Hmm... maybe i should....

To those starting their studies just recently, may it be in NUS/NTU/SIM, have fun peeps!!! study hard!

2007-08-04T10:59:00.000-07:00

i love the dynamic between the staff in my primary school. Their friendliness is just so comforting. Having dear ms chantel Beins helped me a lot. My partner in crime. My B2 while i'm the B1. Haha... Bananas in pyjamas. My sista. Haha... the staff teachers are labelling us that... the twins.

Anyway, life has been so challenging this week. Full of frustrations and lost of sleep. Chantel and I were brought with this news that we are going to replace this P2 form teacher's class. Gosh, it's the most challenging and notorious class of the P2s. But hey... at least they know how to have fun. But, they are quite a number with behavioral problem and there's a hyperactive child. A lot of patience is needed. I sighed at the end of each day thinking how frustrated it is to just give out instructions or settling them down. I'm thankful each day that i don't have to face it alone.... i have chantel with me....

May Allah give me strength and make the pupils' heart full of compassion and understanding.

2007-07-27T10:20:00.000-07:00

i just finished reading farna's lj. i know how exactly she's feeling. I miss the guys in my group during the training programme at RP. Efendi, eddie, faizal, boon chun and even farna. Gosh, the bond we had as a group was rather dynamic. unlike other groups, we balanced both the serious part and adding humour in between. I was glad farna was with me though. i'll feel awkward if im the only girl of the group. We had just lots of fun chatting, joking around and not bring shy to tell the group what's in our mind. Discussion was always fun. i remember how i was always like 'picked on' by the group on the first day. I became their spokesperson. blergh... i din really mind actually... basically, i just had to talk. Well, all of us has embarked on this journey of being primary school teachers. I'm not sure we'll be meeting each other ever again. So, all the best guys!!! If fate permits, we may meet again though it seems unlikely since all of them live in the west side of Singapore.

Teaching been tiring. Having a nice caring mentor and buddy teacher helps. Including having a newcomer along. Chantel, a eurasion chinese girl. Demure and petite. We bonded. We made a pact to meet each other at the bustop near the school before punching in. Breaks are spent sharing stories about what happened and stuff. Weekend is here... time to relax.....

2007-07-12T06:16:00.000-07:00

gosh, 10 minutes ago i just had this moment where i really freaked out. Let me say, i DO NOT ADORE cockroaches. I just don't like them... and you know what this bloody creature decided to do? It came out of no where and decided to crawl up my leg... Arghh!!! WHILE I WAS TYPING ON THE COMPUTER

So Aina, jumped up and down, brushing off this creature and shouting ' Arghh...!' which woke up my Older brother who was napping. Hahaha... Then, Aina decided to get revenge and look for the thing which was hiding somewhere under my table so i went looking for it armed with the insect repellent. So, yup, finally the thing is dead and I feel SO SATISFIED.

I did relief teaching in Temasek Primary for yesterday and today. Taught malay... Primary 1 students are so... cute! Had an interesting experience...;-)

2007-07-07T08:24:00.000-07:00

i'm obsessed again with Nora Roberts. Blergh.... gosh, see... this is what happens when you thought why don't i start reading her novels again. And now, i'm stuck reading one of her books after another... i think this is the 7th book by her i'm writing... whahahaha....

Tomorrow, i need to accompany my Mum to Weddings. *sob**sob*

i don't adore weddings. Arghh... must wear baju kurung/ kebaya. Most probably baju kurung. You know the thing that i hate about weddings is the smile you force yourself to give to the aunties and uncles when they go 'Wah, dah besar anak dara ni... tak lama lagi leh kahwin' (translate: wah, your daughter has grown already.. she'll be getting married soon). Trust me the topic of marriage is like a must. Blergh... SO i just force a smile at those comment. Me, getting married at this age? Not at 19. With me being childish and all.

k lar, don't want to sleep to late.... must get up early tomorrow and do my household duties before going out. My schedule basically consists of mopping/vacuuming depends on who wants to take what job, clearing the mess on the tables, newpaper piles and the aftermath of sleeping.

Ciao.... sleep tight. Gd night! don't let the bed bugs bite!!!

2007-06-30T20:35:00.000-07:00

We all have our insecurities. Yesterday, I have the surge of uncertainties suddenly in me. I started to be afraid and i prayed for Allah to show me the ways, not to waiver my faith, to keep me strong... to believe at the end of this journey, the light will finally shine and things will soon be clear that this road i'm taking is worthwhile and the correct one. I shed a tear... along with the prayes i said in my heart. Aina can do it. She's strong enough

2007-06-30T20:12:00.000-07:00

i don't know if you received my message. I wish i know. Seriously, i wish i know... A long sms for you from me... 7 msges long.

I wish you well. i really do. When i say i miss you, i meant what i say.

You me-- we used to be tight. As tight as 2 close friends can ever be. Now, i watch you from afar, praying you'll always be given the strength to tackle things in life. Hearing your well-beings from our friends, that's the only way i feel i can be updated about you. Sometimes, i feel sad cos i don't really know what's happening to you anymore. I wish you could sometimes tell me your problems instead of me knowing it from another party. It's heartbreaking. But, i will always wish you well... cos i love you girl. A sister you'll always be to me.

I lost a couple of my friends this past few years... made me so withdrawn sometimes but i found solace in family and God. I hope you didn't misinterpret the part where i said ' i learn to let go....', it means that i learn not to feel too hurt when many of my friends starts to drift away and we were not as close as we once were. Let me reveal something--i used to be posessive. I know that . I was afraid of letting you go, without me there to venture with you into the world. I wanted us to share a lot of memories together. But, i'm different now. I realized we all are choosing our own paths, taking a turn at each turn, but i hope to meet you at a crossroad sometimes. For us to wave and said our 'Hellos'. Not to be strangers who choose to pass each other without even a smile.

2007-06-28T07:06:00.000-07:00

Just a click on the mouse and the deal is done. I need to believe i've made the correct decision. I need to believe. I've asked Allah to give me strength, to guide me through- show me the path. Now, i have to believe....

I've done what i can for now. After thins,I will have to work my arse off.

Life is a struggle sometimes. But I always believe GOD won't give you the obstacles that HE thought you can't handle. Hold on tight and you will get through it. I guess i've always turned to HIM when i needed help. Don;t get me wrong, I'm not trying to preach. I'm not trying to say i'm pious. I'm not. My knowledge on my religion is minute... and i believe i need to seek more deeper into it...

i was having conversation with my mum just now, telling her my insecurities and things in life that i've learnt to let go. For years i thought the tie that was there between this friend of mine and well, myself would not falter through time. But, time prevails the current status of our relationship. When i look back the memories will always be there- and it makes me smile. Dear friend, i miss you--- i wish sometimes we are back in time.

Families no matter what is important to me other than ALLAH.... They are my strengths-- my pillar.........

2007-06-25T18:43:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a fun day... I had almost an hour long chat with Shahidah, this relief teacher who is under contract for a year long teaching job. She's off to perth to do her degree next year. We had a fun time talking and gossiping. Whahaha. Swapping information... Naughty Naughty. She's a cool girl....

Anyway, I met an ex-classmate of mine in Damai Sec. Junhao. Gosh, i almost forgot how he looked like. He almost didn't recognize me. We had a chat and he accompanied me for lunch. So sweet of him. It's interesting how we never really had a conversation. But, it was nice having a company for a while. Students yesterday were suprisingly tame. Hehe... no getting into fights, playing water bombs in class, chasing after friends with penknife....

K lar, today Damai din call me so i'm accompanying my mum to metro...

till then

2007-06-23T20:31:00.000-07:00

it's finally here. NOW, i need to make a decisison.... a fast smart one....

Allah, please help me make the correct one....

2007-06-21T07:34:00.000-07:00

a holiday trip

2007-06-18T21:52:00.000-07:00

2007-06-07T07:52:00.000-07:00

who would ever guess i will be willing enough to go for a morning jogs these past few months? Dragging my arse to run. No more being lazy... i want to lead a healthy life...

Am worried over something... damn. I hate thinking about it.

I am worried for someone. really worried. Wonder if she's doing ok........

i had an outburst last week. I know i went overboard but i had enough. No one have any idea how much energy i've invested... I'm glad he knows now... No more blaming me. No more...

2007-06-03T05:17:00.000-07:00

Sometimes
Allah breaks our spirit
To save our soul
*
Sometimes
Allah breaks our heart
To make us whole
*
Sometimes
Allah sends us pain
So we can be stronger
*
Sometimes
Allah sends us failure
So we can be humble
*
Sometimes
Allah sends us illness
So we can take better care of ourselves
*
Sometimes
Allah takes everything away from us
So we can learn the value of everything Allah gives us

Thanks bibik Fauzah for this :-)

2007-06-03T05:09:00.000-07:00

Bila Allah cepat maqbulkan doamu,

maka dia menyayangimu,

Bila dia lambat maqbulkan doamu,

maka dia inginmengujimu,

Bila dia tidak maqbulkan doamu,

maka dia merancang sesuatu yang lebih baik untukmu,

Oleh itu sentiasalah bersangka baik pada Allah

dalam apa jua keadaan sekalipun

kerana kasih sayang Allah itu

mendahului kemurkaannya.

Ketika kau sudah menangis

sekian lamadan hatimu masih terasa pedih..

Allahsudah menghitung airmatamu.

Jika kau fikir bahawa hidupmu

sedang menunggu sesuatu dan

waktu terasab erlalu begitu saja...

Allah sedang menunggu bersama-samamu...

Ketika kau merasa sendirian dan

teman-temanmu terlalu sibuk untuk menelefon dirimu...

Allah sentiasa berada di sampingmu...

Ketika kau fikir bahwa kau sudah

berusaha sesungguhnya dan tidak tahu

hendak berbuat apa lagi...

Allah mempunyai jawapannya...

Ketika segalanya menjadi sesuatu yang

tidak masuk akal dan kau merasa tertekan...

Allah bersamamu untukmenenangkanmu...

Jika tiba-tiba kau dapat melihat

jejak-jejak harapan...

sebenarnya Allah

sedang berbisik kepadamu...

Ketika segala sesuatu berjalan lancar

dan kau merasa ingin mengucap syukur...

Allah telah pun memberkatimu...

Ketika sesuatu yang indah terjadi dan

kau dipenuhi ketakjuban...

Allah akantersenyum kepadamu...

Ketika kau memiliki tujuan untuk

dipenuhi dan mimpi untuk digenapi...

Allah sudah membuka matamu dan

memanggilmu dengan namamu...

Oleh itu ingatlah bahawa di manapun kau

atau ke manapun kau berada...

Allah akan mengetahui

dan senantiasa berada disampingmu

thanks jannah for this....

2007-05-23T06:19:00.000-07:00

i've cried. i'm sad. My parents think i don't care but i do. I just don't like crying in front of my parents. I feel sad. But i vow to take it in stride. I will stand up and find a way to get through this hurdle. I will.

i know that at least i've got a choice down there for me. I'll take it if there's no other way to get through this.

Mum said to me: i don't see you looking sad. I see you looking happy instead.

I know i put up a front. I tried to be strong. I've braced myself to concede to fate. I've made the decision to not mope. There's still a way around this.

2007-05-02T01:42:00.000-07:00

sometimes what you don't say matters,
it made all the difference...

so say it,
don't think things will be ok if you let things be....

life doesn't shape around you
let you feelings go
let me know

cos truthfully the reason i couldn't be close to you
is cos there's too many secrets about you

anway, i've been listening to one last cry by brian mcknight
cos i love this song

My shattered dreams and broken heart
Are mending on the shelf
I saw you holding hands,
standing close to someone else
Now I sit all alone wishing all my feeling was gone
I gave my best to you,
nothing for me to do
But have one last cry

Chorus:
One last cry,
before I leave it all behind
I've gotta put you outta my mind this time
Stop living a lie
I guess I'm down to my last cry
Cry......
I was here,
you were there
Guess we never could agree
While the sun shines on you
I need some love to rain on me
Still I sit all alone,
wishing all my feeling was gone
Gotta get over you,
nothing for me to do
But have one last cry

Repeat Chorus
I know I
gotta be strong
Cause round me life goes on and on and on And on.....
I'm gonna dry my eyes
Right after I had my One last cry

Repeat Chorus
I guess I'm down I guess I'm down I guess I'm down... To my last cry...

2007-04-27T02:32:00.000-07:00

i'm worried. no letter in the post for me. worried. let me repeat-- i'm worried.

I went out with mum. oh gosh, major shopping. i'm going to stop shopping. All the essential and wants i've been yearning for are fulfilled.

2007-04-14T02:32:00.000-07:00

anyway, normal technical kids can be rather sweet when compared to academic or some express stream classes. Seriously, kids will be kids, their needs to run about and joke around. But, they will respect you if you respect them.

;-)

2007-04-14T02:17:00.000-07:00

abang fuad isn't home this weekend. New recruits came in on last tuesday and he's on duty for these two weeks. Abah on the other hand has started working 12 hour shift. Kesian i see him. He's getting older and i can see that his body is wearing out. Insyallah he'll retire in 4 months time and have a well-deserved rest.

Ever had that friend that you sort of really think you know. Like really know. But indeed you didn't. I stop putting myself out to you just because, i'm sorry to say this, but i came to realize i don't really know you. i hate knowing about your life from other people. It hurts knowing you can't talk to me frankly. I wish i wish... on i wish, things could be different. But at other times, actually i'm glad it didn't cos at least i know where i stand.

Oh ya, went out with mak and abah yesterday. It's nice. I love my parents.... They know me better than i know myself.

When you get older, maturity sets in. Financial wise, relationship wise and emotinally. After you straighten out everthing, things will turn out ok- no matter what hurdles you're faced with

2007-04-09T02:21:00.000-07:00

monnkey donkey @#!$%!...

i tell you... sometimes i wonder how i get all the strength not to smack their faces.

Play waterbombs in and out the class, breaking the broom into 2 just to get the bloody stick, going out of the class to play soccer at the corrider without any respect for me in the class. One of the incident that happen today.

me: BOYS, go into the class NOW
the boys decided to ignore this naggy teacher and continue kicking the ball.
me:BOYS, im serious. IN CLASS. NOW
the boys continue kicking. I stopped the ball, bend down and pick it up and enter the class putting it beside me
one of the boys(A): eh, nanti kiter gi masjid sembahyang ah(translate: later, we go mosque to pray ah)
his friend(B):huh? for what? (he knew what his friend is trying to imply. i knew too. i'm not stupid mind you. He urged his friend on))
A: yelar, we ngaji Quran. kan bagus.(giving me that bloody smirk from the side)(translate:we read the Quran ah. Good ryte?)

These boys think i stupid issit? cannot catch what they mean. SO what? so what i'm wearing tudong? bloody hell.... I'm proud to be a Muslim and pious. If you are not you think i care about your stupid comments. Go to hell.

i tell you-- students nowadays. Ishk... seriously, taking care of a herd of goats is easier.

Sarcasm doen't work for me anymore. Say what you want. I find satisfaction in making you pissed off with me.

Oh ya, so i took away the stick from the broom and refused to let it go. Cos the ends were sharp and i didn't want the boys to use it to wack their friend. So, i had to go around from class to class with the stick on my hand. Tried throwing away in the dustbin far away from the class but some boys passing by took interest in it and wanted to take it to class. Funny scenario.... Some students and teacher look at me apprehensively walking around with a stick.

anyway, Cikgu Ridwan might be retiring soon. He's not been feeling well. Something about his jaw creating problems.

2007-04-04T20:31:00.000-07:00

drama drama this week...

I met the other relief teacher in damai secondary. It's good to be able to converse with someone.
I had to endure a fighting scene on Tuesday. Gosh, what a scene they made. It made thing worse when they made a scene in front of the presenters from muscle dystrophy(i think it's the wrong spelling) and they both went rolling on the floor punching kicking slapping. And the other boys decided not to help until i shouted at them to separate the two boys.

I feel so touched when this guy i was introduced to by mr jake tan as a fellow st john member in another school, doing relief teaching too, helped me handled this disruptive class on tuesday. The class decided to ignore my endless instructions to do the essay. He's such a sweetheart especially when he took the time to talk to me before going off during the last period on that day since his lessons ended early.

I realized i've became naggy. haiz... what to do... it's in me. hahaha

I'm not called up today. So i'm able to relax. Yayness!! meeting someone for lunch Ciao.

2007-03-30T02:50:00.000-07:00

dis week i was dreading of my tight schedule during the start of the week. It turned out well actually to my suprise. Took my EPT tests-english and malay. Made some new friends there. I hope i pass those two tests. Malay was hard. What the hell? there's Sastera in it. Damn, Alih bahasa is a headache when you've never done that before. Anyway, i bought two more books this week. Bloody hell ah... everytime i enter a bookstore you'll see me walking out with a new purchased book.

Julie Ortolon-- a newfounnd author... This is what happen, i found out that a book i bought two weeks ago-- it's a trilogy series. I've checked out Popular, Times, Sans bookshop and i couldn't find the other two books. I went to Borders and found them. I was thrilled so i can't help but to buy it. Hahaha...

Anyway, i wasn't called this week. Actually, it was on Tuesday. But i had my Malay EPT on that day and Adrian(the Clerk) forgot i said monday and tuesday. Fortunately, i had these time to run errands- basically returning my due library books, topping up my food stock(i feel like such a junk addict), organizing my room, doing some things that i've been wanting to do like getting this brown cardigan and a reddish pink blouse. I still need to organize my books in my cupboard. It's a pile of mess there.

Gotta go for now. Anyway, funny thing, i went to jog with mum on wednesday feeling pretty sure i won't bumped into any Damaians. Sure enough, fate has something else in mind. The PE teacher asked the students to use the route that pass the bedok town park. I was walking with my mum-warming up. As soon as i realized they are going to pass me, i ran as fast as i could towards the bridge. It was close i tell you. I nearly bumped into the whole flock of them. Mum who was walking towards the bridge was laughing. Haha... Man, teacher running from students. What a sight!

I just got a call that i'm down for relief teaching on Monday. Need to be there by 7.30am. Oh man, must wake up earlier than normal.

To my friends reading this--- Miss ya all!!!! hope you are doing well... You'll always be in my mind. ;-)

2007-03-23T09:09:00.000-07:00

this week has been really tiring.

The first time i've been called four times to do relief teaching aka baby-sitting. Everytime i just feel the need to give up and shout to simply relief the stress at the end of the day.

Having 2 teachers' timetables merged into one is wearing me out but to look at it at another angle, it is better that way as i am not given any table or specific space to pass my time, so i have to sit at a table in the atrium- which is annoying. I am also that relief teacher who goes around dragging her big bag with novels and notebook and pens and whatever nonsence in there. Seriously i managed to finish a 400-500 pages long novel in 2 days to relief teaching. So this week i managed to read 3++ novels. haha... suprise2

I had my share of drama of kids wanting attention, one boy licked his shoe literally in front of me for fun, students simply going out of the class without any respect for me, the blaring music from their handphones and even had to stop this student from using the OHP's wire to play skipping. K lar, it's like i was playing 'tug-of-war'. He gave up finally after i shouted and tugged at it forcefully. I simply adore a few classes because the students are just nice peeps. Hmm, 3E2 3E3 5A2 i love this classes. Sec 1 express classes are not bad cos when i shout at them to keep their volume down, they actually listen. Academic classes from all levels esp the sec 3s, damn rude ah. Feel like smacking their face. The classes with lots of Ah-bengs, Ah-lians, Minahs and Mats.

You know i was striking off the list of classes i've gone to and i realized i've not entered only 4 classes. Which mean the students frm the other 35 classes all know me. That's like what more than 3/4 of damaians? Haha... went back to meet the St John peeps as mdm siti requested. The students treated me as a teacher and scared to approach me so i was left entertaining myself. Some looked so pale upon seeing me in their class and stopped in their track and stared at me. Haha, hilarious i tell you. Luckily Sarah was there for npcc training to layan me. Thanks Sarah. One boy then asked, 'Cher, you and Maam friends ah?' haha... the look on some of the npcc kids are kinda hilarious-- their teacher talking to their Maam.

K lar, i need to sleep. Zzzz

2007-03-15T23:42:00.000-07:00

Dilemma... not knowing if you choose that correct path. What you can do is hope and pray, that everything will go alright.

I tried this new author who writes romantic comedy titles---julie ortholon. It turned out her bks are actually good. So try! I'm looking for her other titles.

I'm still in love with susan elizabeth phillips... There are parts in her books that are well... too explicit for teenagers. SO yah, just skip that part. But i love the way the way the storyline in her different books are being written. Let me see, so far i've read maybe around 12 of her books... still going on...

Malay books, those who enjoy reading malay novels these are some authors you may want to try--
Aisya Sofea-- esp 'Adam dan Hawa'(MUST READ!)
Norhayati Berahim--- hmm, some of her titles are not gd. so choose wisely.
Damya Hanna--- try her first 2 bks
Aina Emir-- except for aura cinta
Bikash Nur Idris-- if you enjoy a sort of relaxing and funny kind of reading, try her
lots more....

Gosh i look so chubby... :-(

2007-03-12T17:41:00.000-07:00

thank you for the call. You know who you are. On my part, i want to say i'm sorry too. I know you didn't mean to make me feel down, you gave me that side of reality that i was scared to venture. I will just apply and insyallah hope everything will go on well.

Anyone planning to apply NIE, do check if you're exempted from EPT.

2007-03-10T05:51:00.000-08:00

i just got off the phone. I feel horrible after that. I wish i could just get that words to assurance. Instead, you went off talking comparing and giving statistics. I know that my result ain't good but please, i wish you could just be a friend. Whatever lar, i'm gonna just try. Insyallah, Allah will have plans for me.

I getting sick again. Blegh, my voice is getting hoarse and i'm coughing. I'm starting to have running nose too. I made some friends today. Wee~~

2007-03-06T06:07:00.000-08:00

today, i went out with my parents. i wasn't called up today. Coincidentally, i bumped into quite a number of damai students along the way. Gosh, they were like whispering and staring(it's not good to stare, ok?), and my mum told me a boy was telling his friend "eh, cikgu ah? tu, tu cikgu" (translation: eh, teacher ah, there she is) I couldn't suppress a giggle. Haha, i bumped into a couple, both damaian. The boy looked familiar and he stared at me before turning his attention back to his girl.

I wish they'll just treat me like a stranger cos i don't like the attention they are giving to me. But, seriously, i'm glad some of the students are polite enough to wave or greet me upon seeing me when i'm in school and i'll return the gesture by smiling. I'm going to be host sometimes i just smile without being sure who the person is. Sorry, but i can't help not recognizing all the students' faces that i've came contact to. I only recognize those jokers, problematic, hyper kids.

It's interesting that i live not far from damai secondary so the possibility of me bumping into them is rather high. However, i just don't adore attention. the last relief teaching i had, gosh, i shouted again. it was the angriest i've been, with all the disrespect i've been treated. Haha, they were scared by the end of it.

2007-03-04T07:54:00.000-08:00

A-level results has been a letdown. Simply that.

i was disappointed and sad. Having BDE and C6 as your grades kinda terrible. Alhamdulillah that i did get a full cert though.

First day went kinda surreal. Not because i expected triple As but it was because i wasn't sure what my chances are of getting into a decent course in university. I was clueless and though i prepared myself for the worst, the preparation wasn't helping much.

This weekend i went around asking advice yet the more i ask the more confuse i get. My mum told me an hour ago i look like some zombie walking around, distracted and been busy on the phone these two days. i was desperate to find someone to talk to. My family, though i know tried giving me support, were also clueless about the next best step i should take. I was the first one on my mum's side that had decided to take the jc route instead of the poly route. I'm not that close to my cousins on my dad's side due to the huge age gap.

My mum suggested i talk to my auntie's brother's daughter for advice. My mum called the mum of the girl she intended i talk to and then explain my situation . I talked to her. An hour on the phone with her made me a happier person cos i'm no longer confuse. She explained to me the procedure and explain to me the positive and negative sides to the different possible route and was sincerely happy to help out. She made my day. Thanks kak Khairun.

My mum and dad, i know they were disappointed in my result. I vow to do my upmost best in uni(insyallah, if i get in), not to repeat this incident again.

oh ya, i'm proud of sarah and jannah. Sarah, u deserve those grades. Jannah, u worked hard... alhamdulillah we both managed to pass (Of course yours being the one with the better grades)

2007-03-01T19:12:00.000-08:00

it's 11am. Few more hours to go. I'm super duper nervous. I'm so afraid of disappointing my parents. At 12am yesterday, I got emotional. Luckily i was alone in my room.

Pray for me, will ya?

Hopefully, Insyallah all my efforts will not be redundant.

FEW HOURS TO GO!!!

2007-02-24T16:59:00.000-08:00

I'm back from tutioning and i'm dead tired.

you wana forget about something, but that certain someone refuse to let it go.
seriously, just when i thought there's no more turning back, you knocked on my door.

I wana sleep now.

I've been thinking about my As. Seriously, i hope i din screw up.

2007-02-21T23:31:00.000-08:00

i'm tired and sleepy currently...

Damai called me again. 2nd day this week. I'm handling things better now. One class yesterday had around 10 boys which ran out of the class in the middle of the class to go for recess. I ran out of the class, shouted at them like some madwoman warning them to go back to the class or i report their names to the office and like i predicted, they thought i was kidding so I reported them. 2 sec 1 class tried to test my patience and after giving them chances and warnings, they had to do me a small exercise, which consists of sitting and standing up.

Today, i made conversations with some students. They told me all the latest gossips and experience for that two period. I did relief teaching for chinese lessons(some asked if im teaching them chinese. i went 'of course not') and the last class i went to, one of the girls decided to ask my ethnicity--
girl--'cher, are you malay or chinese?'
me--'malay'
girl--'got mixed chinese blood'
me--'No'(giving a questioning look)
girl--'cher, then why your skin fair like chinese'
me--'huh? fair meh?'

let me stress, aina isn't fair. I know without my glasses i look a bit chinese. But hey, i was wearing glasses and tudong(muslim headscarf). Anyway, i have pakistan, indonesian and a tiny minute chinese mixed blood(according to my unce who told me last week. seriously, people should look at my brothers and they know that my Indian Pakistan genes are more dominant.

Damai still stinks but some of the classes are ok. Others well, you just need to control yourself.

i need to go out in an hour time for religious class.

till then.

2007-02-15T08:43:00.000-08:00

A friend of mine got called up to do relief teaching for mcpherson sec and i'm happy for her, cos i know she wants to experience relief teaching in a sec school environment. Meanwhile i've been at home these few days and i think there was a good side to it. My cousins and also my parents went off to malaysia for a wedding so being the eldest female in the house taking care of my over-grown brothers and my lil cousins, i was the 'mum', cleaning. cooking, doing laundry, etc. Abg fuad came back from taiwan during that weekend. Aww... he's so sweet. He bought for me a teddy-bear(like i requested which he claimed he wouldn't buy it for me) and a pink bracelet. On sunday night, we got a call that my uncle's brother died. My mum was home by that time. My nenek who was staying with that uncle of mine stayed at my house cos arragements needed to be done by my uncle and nenek wasn't strong enough to be left at home alone.

Other than that i've been staying at home and pondering over something a lot.

Oh ya, Abg Fuad got his post to BMT unit in tekong. Hahaha.... can bully people.

Till next time

2007-02-06T19:43:00.000-08:00

i'm not called by damai secondary. I've heaving a sigh of relief cos i've been really stressed up. Ask my parents and a friend who's been listening to every single frustration that needed to be let out.

I made up my mind about something. I know my parents weren't really pleased but i hope i'm making a right one.

I'm supeerr dupperr happy!!!!! i needed today to rest my mind.

2007-02-05T02:22:00.000-08:00

i just came back from relief teaching.... bad bad bad day today...

A boy said vulgarities to me.... That really made me mad. Chun Hian whom i met along the way heard me vent out my anger. I seriously hate doing relief teaching lower secondary academic classes- they are truly truly disrespectful in more ways than you can ever imagine.

Shit lar, Students nowadays are just sooooo immature and disrespectful... i was so tempted to slap that boy's face. maybe part of it was my fault. The boy didn't want the sit down and insists on talking to the girls. Basically he is damn stubborn. I told him not to disturb the girls and i told him, 'Can you stop flirting with the girls? how many times do you want me to tell you to go back to your own seat?' He stood up in MY FACE and said 'teacher, you think i don't dare to say vulgarities to you is it? You say i flirt. @?!@/!~*(all the vulgarities came out here)...' i tell you are, i just feel like slapping his face. Basically, he didn't really understand the word flirt in detail and decided to vent his anger.

Basically, i guess it is true what my cousin who has his friend teaching there... The students are just DAMN.... Damai secondary is having more and more havoc students

2007-02-04T07:16:00.000-08:00

yay! the LIONS won!

congrats to team Singapore. I am proooud of them... The Thais played rough. Tabik Singapore for the way they handled the Thais...

I'm not a big fan of soccer but dad turned the tv on and i was glued to it...

K lar, i wana sleep... time to bobok...

Zzz....

2007-02-02T07:27:00.000-08:00

third time i was called by damai. It is indeed a better day. I'm now playing the role of ms bad. I don't care that i'm not likeable by the end of the day, what i need is their respect.

i wonder if any of the students is reading this. hmm....

oh ya, i met an ex-primary school classmate who was also called for relief teaching in damai, her name is ni ying. she's grown to be a fine lady. I'm touched she remembered my name.

an ex-teacher of mine asked if i could tuition her student. gosh, i need to organize my time and fit her into my schedule, if it possible

2007-02-01T07:21:00.001-08:00

something is wrong with my blog.

2007-01-31T17:13:00.000-08:00

i did not receive a call today from damai. k lar, i'm hoping its because they do not have teachers on mc today and not because they thought i couldn't handle a class.

The two days that i did relief teaching in damai were very interesting. I think the damai kids should be calling me the 'shouting' teacher who keep shouting non -stop. I tell you those kids will just get on your nerves.

I got questions like 'teacher, do you love me?' i said 'no'.
then he asked 'who do you love then?' i said 'my teddy bear'
'Teacher why you don't love me, i'm so cute'

Don't get me wrong, he doesn't have a crush on me. He just wants to get on my nerve. Yesterday, he proposed to me on one knee twice and on a chair once. I almost wanted to laugh but hey, i didn't want to laugh cos that would make him happy. I got students who decided to hug me cos their teacher didn't come. Some who decided to dance around. There was also a student who played with penknife and pointed it to his friend's head. Two boys decided to fight in front of me.

Yesterday was the worst out of the two days... i got the stubborn hyper class for the last two period. I was shouting at them to settle down and to keep quiet. A discipline teacher walked pass and i'm so glad she did. They all got detention yesterday. I was so tempted to throw something at them. I had to make sure i watch over them while waiting for their form teacher. One boy tried to sneak away so i slammed the stack of test papers on the nearby table plus my bag ready to run out after him. Luckily, he was intercepted by his teacher.

Invigilating a test was quite hard too. Students who insists on listening to mp3 and all that nonsence. Those who made jokes one after another in the middle of a test. Those who just don't want to sit down. It was full of drama, but i'm glad at the way i had the confidence to shout and made them listen to me.

Let's see what happen--- whether damai still wants me. Or maybe other schools wants me??? I want a primary school because the students are not so disrespectful. secondary school students, i'm not denying there are nice students but seriously you need to have high tolerence level... Thank you to a friend of mine yesterday for listening to me over the phone cos i was soooo mad at the students at the end of the day...

2007-01-28T06:51:00.000-08:00

i miss abang fuad. Oh.. 2 more weeks to go before he's back from taiwan. Haha... his friend called the other day and i picked up the the phone. After explaining that he is currently in taiwan, he started rambling about how it has been a long time since he met my brother and wanted me to send his regards. Hahaha... it was funny that he started rambling on the phone

At least, i have the other crazy brother of mine, abang fariz to be my partner in being insane. Hahaha... I need someone to be in cahoot with me and he is there for me.

I'm eyeing this bag i saw the other day. I thought it was pretty nice. See first lah, now kinda jobless and all, so basically no money no talk.

Anyway, a friend of mine is back in Singapore after being away for nearly 2 months. Wohoo! alhamdulillah she's back home safely. Received her message yesterday. Girl, thank you for that simple msg to inform me you are back.

I'll keep finding more good books to read.... Yay! a cousin of mine lent me her book to read while waiting for the books that i've reserved in the library to be available

2007-01-22T21:20:00.000-08:00

an sms i received 3 days ago made me happy. why? it made me realized there are people out there who appreciate those things that i've done. I'm not sure to take up the offer of joining their trip on feb 2. It'll be weird joining them since i'll be an ex-senior to them. I'll make my decision soon.

It's weird knowing after 2 yrs plus i've left damai secondary, i still do keep in contact with some of my juniors. I have this one girl who look up to me for advice and she regards me as a kakak. I hope she's doing well...

why the hell do i keep listening to the song 'what hurts the most' by rascall flatts.
my favourite line...' what hurts the most was being so close....'

my cousin who's waiting for his o-level result told me his teacher said the o-level result will be out in 2 weeks time. WHAT?? damn... i'm scared. i hope my A-level result turns out well..... insyallah...

ignore this post

2007-01-22T06:13:00.000-08:00

don't you just wanna laugh at how things turned out sometimes. How unpredictable things has become. How we have changed. How we just grew apart with some people.

oh, my... having nothing to do makes you think a LOT. or rather reminiscing the past and comparing what you have now. Once a friend said, 'why don't you just accept the person your friend has become now? why dwell on how they were once that person you adore.' i beg to differ that comment. I'm through with playing games. I'm through with swallowing things in, ignoring that change. Don't expect me to lie. To pretend everything is okay. You know how much i hate lies. How lying and deception has been the main cause of the anger and uncertainty and hurt that has brewed in me. Don't lie in my face. Seriously, don't. You know sometimes how your judgement is clouded by the deception and acting of people around you. Yup. Let me tell you, do not and never judge me for not caring. Turn the finger your pointing at yourself and ask if you have the right to say those things about me. you know there's this saying ' when you point a finger at someone, there's 4 fingers pointing back at you' try it and you know what it means. Ask yourself if you deserve those care and concern you said i ought to show. Your actions time and again fail to prove to me that you are worthy of being a good friend. I felt like a dumb-ass all these while following all your plays. This dumb-ass is through with this. That is why she's trying not to draw too near. Her heart cannot be crushed again. She's not going to be a fool. I'll still be your friend but never a close one. I don't trust you much just like the way you don't trust me. Don't worry, despite you never told me straight out, i know some of the secrets you decided to keep from me. How? Nope, i'm not kepo to wanna dig deep into your life. People told me about them. Let me tell you this, it hurts in the beginning knowing that the years of friendship never made you trust me to tell you those important change in your life. But, i grew custom to it and i learn that i do not want to bother with the latest changes in your life like you won't do with mine. I will still be there for you if you need someone to talk to. But for now, ask yourself, how you acted, ask what if someone you regard to be close to you do that to you. Put yourself in my shoe.

Like what i say time and again- despite that i have my supporting great family around me plus some great friends. I regard this as a part and parcel of life. There's up and downs of life. You can't expect everyone to like you , right?

Hey, i'm not down depressed or all those things associated with being sad. But sometimes, you know when we, girls, are having that monthly emotional rollercoaster, you think a lot and your suppressed emotions is yearning to break free.

NOTE TO READERS:
THIS POST IS NOT SUBJECTED TO A CERTAIN PARTY. IT IS A SUPPRESSED EMOTIONS. AN EMOTIONAL AINA WHO'S GOING HAYWIRE FOR A FEW DAYS.

hahaha... emotions coming out. Yup, just pouring out what's inside of me. Those who feel that i'm talking about them, don't take it too heart. Ask me not.

2007-01-19T08:19:00.000-08:00

hmm, spending my time reading, sleeping, surfing net, eating, do housework, occasionally going out and thinking. Currently, abang fuad is in a plane off to Taiwan for ns training. I just came back bidding him off with my parents. Haiz, 3 weeks he'll be away. I'm gonna be feeling lonely. He is the closest brother to me. Despite his bad-tempered and sarcastic remarks, he's the one i can annoy, disturb and talk to. Nevermind, at least my 2 abangs are still at home.

NS life has certainly change my brothers. A changing phase from being boys to men. Well, at least some do. They learn to appreaciate their families, the love and attention they received. some how they became more tolerable. I love my brothers despite the fact that they annoy me. I really do care for them. Just don't expect me to hug them and all and say 'i love you'. i've always been a silent supporter. I know deep inside they realized that i love them. i'm the one whom they entrust their clothing choices to. I'm the one they expect to help them with their packaging and stuff. Actions speaks louder than words. I stand by that. They know i'll be there for them no matter what. Blood is furthermore thicker than water...

2007-01-12T21:47:00.000-08:00

oh my, i'm sick again... blegh....
my mum came up with the reason why- 'Tu lar terperap kat rumah. Mak suruh ikut jogging kau cakap malas.' so let me translate in english... she said that i've been cooping up myself in the house and thus i'm sick...'

k lar, i'm having a bad case of sore throat and fever....

dun call me, k? i can't talk over the phone at this moment. I'll be ok in a few days time...

you know what? i rather live without the computer and tv as long as i have books with me.

I just found something exiciting... a movie is being made based on the cecelia Ahern book 'ps i love you'.... and i can't wait.

Abg fuad will be going to taiwan for his ns training for 3 weeks next week... gonna miss him. He is the only one i can pester during the weekends asking him to stay up with me cos i couldn't sleep.

2007-01-12T20:04:00.000-08:00

i finally concede to defeat. The pain down my throat has been unbearable. Imagine not getting sleep cos you throat hurt so bad. Staring at the ceiling wishing you can just sleep. Finally, i decide i had to go to the doctor.

My tonsil is badly swollen. He commented on how i manage to sleep with the tonsil that swollen. Well, the answer is that i couldn't. He sprayed this bitter medicine down my throat and it made the latter felt so numb. This is the 2nd time he did this. The other time was because i had a bad cough for 2 months and the irritation became unbearable.

I actually could not swollow without making that cringed face. i hope i can finally sleep today....

this is officially my 300th post

2007-01-06T05:48:00.000-08:00

Learn to love yourself before you want others to love you....

Learn to respect yourself before you want others to...

Be truthful to yourself...

kerana nadimu adalah nadiku...
degupan hatimu menjadi sinomin bagiku...
hembusan nafasmu beriku nafas baru...
dikaulah yang ku sering tunggu...

2006-12-31T22:00:00.000-08:00

goodbyeeeeeeeee 2006

hello 2007....

full of anticipation...

i'm currently listening to Evanescence - My Immortal. The lyrics are so emotional. I love listening to this song as the meaning is so true in life....

Aina vows to be a better daughter. To be a better person. Never let things get to her. Aina wants to be a better granddaughter and niece. Aina will learn to appreciate things more. She will learn to be wary of life and try to stick by the moral grounds she sets for herself. She vows to be a better Muslim.

appreciate the things that you have. Do not mourn for the useless things that you've lost. It is better to continue living making every decision knowing that you won't regret it in your later life. Make every decision like it is your last. I'm not saying that everything needs to be dead serious but sometimes you need to draw a line between fun and reality. Balancing these 2 factors of your life, it's the challenge that everyone is facing.....

words of wisdom:
trusting someone comes with consequences. You're taking a gamble. It's all up to you to weigh the factors and make a decision whether the gamble should be taken.

a sneak peak (note:one of my brothers is missing)

2006-12-31T21:34:00.000-08:00

2006-12-31T09:31:00.000-08:00

it's 1am. A whole new year. A whole new chapter. A series of obstacles i'm yet to face.
I just came back from my grandmother's place due to the hari raya haji visiting. My mum let out the 'secret'- the fact that i had lost 'friends' due to my conservative upbringings and the choice i made not to be a rebellious child. The topic came up when they were talking about how teenagers are up against the peer pressure in today's society. Truthfully at that point of time it was sad relieving those moments and having to know that my cousins, uncles and aunties now know that inspite of the calm quiet front i was putting up, i was once in a dilemma and feeling lonely and dejected. They all looked at me upon the story being told and then words of support came flying by. Truly, i'm glad to have a supportive family

Aina knows that no matter what happen, she knows there's someone out there who cares

2006-12-29T04:58:00.000-08:00

i'm back from malaysia.It's been a nice trip out of singapore with the presence of my extended family. We, cousins, managed to catch up in each others life. And before anyone shall ask me if i bought for them something-- nope i didn't. I decided not wanting to choose between who i shall buy for and those i shall not. Anyway, i already bought something for them during my school trip this july and june...

Impiana hotel is just simply nice. I loveeeee the service. The employees are just sooooo friendly. It was a free and easy kind of trip. Thus we are free to roam KL without any tour bus or obligation up our sleeves. We took the taxi and LRT to travel from one place to another.

I bought some clothes and books(duh!). Don't ask how much i spend considering the fact that i can't stop buying books. There's this one waiter who was simply superb and friendly. His friendliness made our stay truly fun and enjoyable.

I'll post the pics later....

2006-12-24T06:35:00.000-08:00

pernah tak kita rasa bosan membaca atau mendengar seseorang itu asyik mengadu tentang hidupnya yang sentiasa dibelungi masalah yang tidak kesudahan. Menyalahkan takdir-- sesuatu yang kaum melayu secara umum suka lakukan. Memang kadangkala kita telah berusaha untuk menukarkan nasib hidup kita tapi usaha kita tidak berbaloi. Tetapi berbalik kepada cara hidup kita~kita harus tanya diri kita sendiri-- pernahkah kita menjalankan tugas sebagai umat manusia. Tidak, saya sememangnya bukan mahu bersyarah atau mengatakan ilmu agama saya ini lebih tinggi pada orang lain, cuma saya terfikir bagaimana kita sebagai manusia mengharapkan Allah, pencipta kita memurahkan rezeki kita dan menganugerahkan kita rahmat sedang kita lalai dengan hidup dunia. 'Alah enjoy dulu... nanti dah tua taubat ah...' itulah frasa yang selalu digunakan di kalangan remaja. Tapi fikir balik, jika umur kita ini ditakdirkan akhir esok, tidak sempat bertaubat, hendak disumbat neraka kita. Memang kita fikir mengerjakan solat, menutup aurat menyusahkan atau apa remaja akan cakap 'alah... banyak songehlah...' atau 'apa yang kau susah... aku yang tanggung nanti bila aku mati. kubur aku biar aku yang jaga...' haiz... bila fikirkan, ilmu saya ini sekarang pun cetek... ilmu Islam itu luas... ilmu ukhrawi saya tidak seberapa. Takut saya fikirkan bila saya mati nanti. Setiap perbuatan saya diambil kira~ setiap dosa saya. Dunia hanya sementara akhirat buat selamanya.

Ada orang mengatakan Islam itu ugama yang leceh. Tapi sebagaimana mak dan abah saya cakap, Islam itu mudah~ buat apa yang disurah jauhi apa yang dilarang. Sebenarnya kita yang cuba melecehkan. Ada yang mengatakan~rules are meant to be broken. But remember there are consequences of breaking rules. Memang kita ada hak untuk memilih cara hidup kita. Tak ikut trend nanti orang cakap kolot. Kolot pun kolotlah. Itulah prinsip saya. Asalkan saya happy dan tidak membawa masalah, saya tidak kisah. Biarlah apa orang nak kata. Boringlah, tak cool lar. Apa yang awak susah? kalau susah sangat berkawan dengan saya tidak mengapa saya tidak memaksa awak untuk tetap berkawan dengan saya. Tetapi beritahulah saya dahulu secra terus terang~ jangan hilang meninggalkan saya secara tiba2. mungkin itulah mengapa saya hanya ada beberapa kawan rapat yang memahami saya secara luhur dan bukan hanya pada zahir.

Mungkin inilah satu penulisan pada kali ini yang melahirkan perasan saya pada sesuatu aspek yang membuat saya berfikir secara mendalam~ which makes Aina who she is today

2006-12-20T04:04:00.000-08:00

alhamdulillah.... my cold is over...

Its been raining these past few days. Not wanting to be stuck in the rain... i decided to stay at home doing stuff that i've been avoiding-cleaning and well, messing up it again. Hahaha...anyway, finally after a month of waiting my application has been approved. Checked it yesterday... whopee!

You want to know one secret-- my drawer contains unpost letters expressing angers and hurt towards those that has inflicted those emotions in me. I guess it kinda helped me get over stuff. Stuff that i couldn't bear to tell the other party but having the ability to express it in words helped me get over my system. Been eating chocolates. Oklar... i'm doom to gain weight(which i already am) but hey, at least it makes me happy or rather delirious.

AND......... those of who wants me to recommand you a book to read. YOU MUST READ MATCH ME IF YOU CAN from who else but Susan elizabeth Phillips. You WILL fall in love with the book. So READ IT!!!!!!! a mix of funny plots, heartwarming ending........ READ IT!!!!! READ IT!!!!!! so people out there who are currently trying to find a good book... read it, will ya??? i think i'm reading it for the 4th time again....

i loveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee the ending... should i stress more on how much i loveeeeeeeeeeeeeee the book. I think you do get it, right???

2006-12-15T21:01:00.000-08:00

oh my... i'm having cold again... AGAIN!!! i just had cold last month and well, the month before and this is going to be the 3rd consecutive month i'm down with flu. Blegh... caught it from my family the last in the line to catch it. What a luck....

not going out for quite a while which my nose being red and all and don't forget about the wonderful sneezing that comes once in a while....

2006-12-14T05:00:00.000-08:00

oh yeah....

i've finished wrapping a total of 32 story books. Okay, i know some of you will be rolling your eyes but hey, at least i'm doing someting 'productive'.

i miss being the total innocent girl. LOL. what an idea.

hmm... i wonder... i wonder why a lot of people has been asking the same qn over and over again about that post, you know the one where i seem to be aiming comments at a certain someone. Wow... its funny knowing many are paronoid thinking it's about them. get over it. The probability it is you is well very low

anyway, i kinda been thinking about something weird... hmm, let me ponder over it for a while over the weekend.

2006-12-12T01:22:00.000-08:00

weird funny thing happened today. My cousin and I were followed by this scary old man. Hahaha...funny. It all started when all of us went out from the same shop. He stopped in front of us and turned. Looking at his face you know there's this mischevious look on his face. Trying not to scare my cousin, i try to cover up that 'discovery of mine' and grabbed her hand and asked her to follow me and then we turned the other way roun. My reason was because supposedly i wanted to look at something. But unknown to me, she saw the same thing i saw. We then made a u-turn when it came to a spot where it's away from the aisle along shops and proceeded walking the previous direction that we meant to take as we were meeting our mums. He followed us. The good thing is that he's old. Phew, so he could not catch up. My cousin who's in sec 1 was freeking out... saying she's scared and all. 2 scared girls walking so fast... I decided to turn and saw that he was still following us still but he's further away by then. We then went into a crowd, disappered before his eyes. I tell you, old men are scary. Hahaha... especially to people like me.

I had a weird dream yesterday. Weird. This reminds me of jannah, her wonderful interesting stories of the dreams she had- always made me laugh. I miss her. I miss Keyun. I miss diyanah. I hope you all are doing well... love ya all

2006-12-10T06:25:00.000-08:00

a simple phonecall will do, to know you cared...
*
i guess you thought that friendship should be based upon other things...
*
i know that through that smiles and jokes...
*
it was all just an act.
*
i know my stand...
*
it's all clear to me
*
But guess what?
*
i din matter cos i've known it all along. But i just never took the courage to face up. The facade that you try to create is just there to make me feel better. But i'm not stupid. I'm not a girl who needs things to be sugar-coated. I just wish our friendship was more open. I hate liars. And you've become one of them.

i know that my posts does not mention names and the previous ones are all kinda 'attacking' some people in particular. I've been asked about it. What i can say is let things be me between me and myself. It may be you or maybe not... don't ask me about it when you meet me, yah??

and hey, i'm not depressed because i have one particular friend who has been great all this while. Thanks to her for listening and just being there. When no one else was there for me, you were there. Even though our friendship started last year... you've been a great friend. I feel at ease when i'm around you and i know that i could count on you. Sometimes, i'm kinda overwhelmed on how our friendship progresses. We aren't in the same performing grp, not in the same class or even the exact same subj combination. But, we managed to be friends. what i believe from the course of our friendship is that the number of years you've become friends with the other person is not the main catalyst in making a friendship truly great. Instead, what it takes is your ability to be comfortable, trust and care for the other person. Girl, thanks... You know who you are. Our never-ending moments of annoying each other and taking trips and having our lunches at Long John Silver will be remembered even when i'm old and wrinkled.

And guess what? sometimes i think my mum can read me off my mind. I tell you its freeky. She knows my body language and my 'smart' ideas generating in my head. I guess that what makes mum one of the best person whom i can talk to... she knows me best....

2006-12-06T05:20:00.000-08:00

i'm half asleep typing this...

Just came back from visiting a friend who just had an operation....

hmm... so far today i've known at least 4 people who either is admitted to the hospital or had an operation.

life is really precious. Don't dwell it on unimportant stuff or petty ones that will only waste your time... seriously, time will pass you by. Why do we always say ' wait... there's still time'. Its a route for escapism from facing what is in front of us. Regret will soon consume you and by then what you can do is just dwell on what should have or might have.

choices. Why do we make rash choices? choices that are sometimes bloody stupid. oklar, maybe my choice of words are harsh but hey, face it. We make stupid horrible choices. i did. but try to snap out of it and alter it instead of leaving to fate. yes, i do believe. But i will not let it hinder my dreams and my aim. What i can do is try. try to the best and hope fate is good to me.

i just wanna spend one whole day at home soon without having the need to leave home.
hehehe.. im weird people are bored of staying at home but instead my desire is instead to do that.

gotta go now and well... do my stuff...

2006-12-03T04:05:00.000-08:00

alhamdulillah, his condition ain't too serious...

hmm, in a matter of two weeks 2 different people whom i've known my entire life were admitted to the hospital...

i hope both will insyallah be well... n not let their spirit being burnt down.

I met fiza after not meeting her for a long long long time. i miss her n i'm glad to have a conversation with her. Her mum is sooooo cute... hehehe...

you know what only one person knows all the things that is troubling me-- my abang (the third one).. i'm suprised he listened to me babbling on and on and on. because i feel that every single person i know right now, i'm kinda obliged not to say things that i wish i could. but hey, certain things are not to be revealed... hmm, let's see what will happen in days to come. Hopefully everything will be sorted out.

err.... i'm kinda hooked to books. Man, someone hit me on the head. Susan Elizabeth Phillips, gosh! you are one hack of a writer... i'm now reading another one of her books- and its comical and hilarious... It lifts one's mood...

2006-12-02T15:12:00.000-08:00

its 7am in the morning. I was woken up an hour ago with a disturbing news.
i'm scared. i'm worried. i'm hopeful that everything will be alright....

my mind is in a whirl...

i dunno wat to tink.

i feel the need to just talk to an outsider about all the stuff that has been happening...

arghh.................................

why is my heart not at peace?

is it time for him to return to Allah's side?
is it really time?
insyallah nothing will happen to him....

but certain things aren't within our powers
like death.
What i can do is just pray..

2006-11-29T09:16:00.000-08:00

come what may...

life is too short for you to dwell upon it.....

take things in stride. Know where you stand. Never overestimate or let your feelings cloud your judgements. You'll lead a happier life.

truthfully to me, i'm kinda disappointed in myself or i think its more on the judgements i made this past few years. naive. a word to descibe it all.

My abg said something to me when i said im going out on friday with a jc friend of mine. he asked me with a shocked sarcastic tone which meant to be a joke-You have 'friends'? hahaha shocking relevation. yes, i do hv friends. i guess this yr it seemed to him tt i was so withdrawn. Not being the same person i was. Staying at home when i'm not either having cca, classes or giving tuitions. i was tired of being nice. yay! i've lost some friends (its spose to be sarcastic), i've lost some trust in ppl. Yet, among those dramas i found new friends and spot those that are true. A blessing in disguise. I've been reminiscing a lot lately. that explain the content of my entries lately.

happily ever after. An overstatement to anyone's life. and it's loads of crap. We go though dramas in life. and i've grown to adapt.

i think i've grown more spiritually and mentally this yr than i had in any period of my life too . Toodle-doo for now.

tiada kata yang dapat kusampaikan padamu untuk menunjukan bertapa hatiku berkecil hati dengan sikapmu. akan hanya dapatku pendam perasaan ini krana aku tidak mahu menunjukkan bahawa orang-orang yang aku sayangi tidak menyayangiku kembali. Bertepuk sebelah tangah rupanya aku selama ini. Adakah aku bodoh untuk menganggap kamu sebagai kawan rapatku hanya untuk diperleceh-lecehkan? mengapakah engkau tidak pernah cuba mengerti hidupku? tetapi sebaliknya kau memilih untuk mempertikaikannya. Oh sungguh aku tidak sangka ini akan berjadi. kau bukan orang yang ku sangka. sudahlah! tidak perlu kau berpura-pura lagi di hadapanku. aku tidak perlu kata-kata mu yang bagaikan duri itu. krane luka itu masih bernanah setiap kali aku memikirkannya. Cuma aku cuba lupakannya supaya kamu tidak akan tahu aku masih terasa dengan sikapmu. namun, yang aku sedar- ia masih tersekat di mindaku.

2006-11-27T19:46:00.000-08:00

i went out yesterday.... bought a book( it's ceceilia ahern's new book!) and a korean drama dvd. Hehehe... i've been hearing about the drama full house and i decided to buy it. hahaha... am hooked. Spent 4 hrs watching one of the dvds. my mum was so cute. she watched it with me... it's addictive...

I've grown to love the author susan elizabeth phillips. Her books are funny and i love the way she develop the plots. try breathing room and the fancy pancy. I'm currently reading another one of her books.
i hate the ending of the previous book i just finished- it's 'no place like here'(i think that's the title) by ceceilia ahern. Damn, why did that guy have to be an imaginary person...

ever felt torn? not sure what to do... that's how i feel. I just need to follow my heart and hope for the best...

you know what? i think the best decision i've made this year was keeping a distant, not to get so close. Not to get emotionally attached. i'm sorry for acting this way but things happenned and we choose different ways to deal with problems. I know i always run away. I hate confrontation. But this is me. accept me for who i am. if you can't, i can't force you. but know that hipocracy is what i detest. For i know once i get hurt, i'm sorry but things between us could never be the same. I could forgive you but sorry, i cannot erase it from mi life. That's the whole reason why i've been acting this way. Nevertheless, do know a part of me still care for you, it always will. Cos we shared memories, we shared a past....

2006-11-26T00:52:00.000-08:00

I can't help feeling helpless looking at his face. The illness has somehow suck out the liveliness i've grown to know and adore. Yet, the illness brought about the drastic change in him. What i can do is pray. Pray that Allah protects him. Give strength to him to fight this battle. Insyallah our prayers will be answered. I'm amazed at the strength of her wife, being there for him-- providing him with the support... Pray for him too, will ya?

I've been clearing my stuff... And doing other stuff too. Like catching up with my family...
going out with them. It's been fun.

PSLE results are out. Alhamdulillah my tutee did quite ok... phew!

I'm reading lots of books... hehehehe...
I bet some of them are too...

2006-11-22T23:57:00.000-08:00

gosh, can't believe the A-levels is over.....

why don't then i feel relieved?

aina just am a bit weird

yesterday was my birthday... i'm finally 18....

thanks to....

sarah diyanah hidayah(ex-2e1) classmates for an advanced bithday wish. thanks di for the selendang and brooch....

luvena-- who msged me at 12am on 22nd nov to wish me happy birthday.
fana-- who msged me at 3am
jannah, ain, jia qi, abg masuri, bibik fauzah, izzulwan, tuty-- who msged me to wish me too. Thanks for remembering.... i am truly touched

my bibik leha, mamang Hamli, yati and syarif who came the day before my birthday bearing a cake and presents. thanks!!!!

ain and jannah-- thanks you two!! i esp love the voucher.... hehehe...

Keyun--for tt cute teddy bear

mum-- for tt cute plush toy cum hp holder

3 brothers-- for that wallet

my nenek-- for de $

amal n farhana-- fr the birthday wish

Those gifts are not what reali touched me, but its just the fact you all remembered.

wohoo... time to do some work with my rooms... there's papers everywhere... heheheh

till then......

2006-10-18T16:31:00.000-07:00

2 yrs of education. let make this worthwhile....

insyallah.

pray for me.

hopefully i'll do well

2006-09-30T06:59:00.000-07:00

'it's doesn't matter how you fall, what matters is how soft you land'

i heard that phrase this morning. and i love it...

the results are just demeaning. nothing, i seriously mean none of my results are well average. Most are just disappointing. too many careless mistakes in maths and chem. blegh...

yesterday, my mum called me when i was in school with one special news for me. My atm card was 'eaten up' by the atm machine. i first went 'huh' then 'what?'. I had to go and make a new one because apparently the bank decided to cut my old card.

anyway, last lap guys. all out....
give your all....
this is your last chance....

till next time...

2006-09-20T22:41:00.000-07:00

prelims over....

i'm dead for chem. all the 3 papers sucks.... i screwed up all three...

haiz, the one week break was spent doing mostly chem and when it came down to doing the papers, i screwed it up. What the hell???

Bio and maths wasn't as bad but mind you it wasn't easy.... GP, haiz that one is still one big question in my head. did i went out of point?

ooohhhh.......

prelims sucks.....
lately, i'm in no mood to study.....
haiyoh, i need that drive....
someone do push me.......
i need a smack in the head.

hehehe... guess what? i bumped into heiwai today at tm....

2006-09-04T21:23:00.000-07:00

a few more days to go before the prelims....

study hard guys....

gosh, a lot more to cover. Somehow i'm feeling scared over maths... bleegh...

There's been this cat hanging outside my floor. It's been around 2-3 weeks since he's(i'm presuming it's a he) and i've been feeding that little bugger. I've grown attached to it. He'll try to be manja everytime he wants to eat. he's so damn cute. His eyes... wow! so piercing. He'll be there everyday at night, hahaha.... me family will come home and say, 'aina, your cat hungry already... go, feed him'...

till next time....

to friends out there, take care aites??? sori for not keeping in touch in a v.v.v.long time. wish you all well...

2006-08-26T00:54:00.000-07:00

kids nowadays. Ishk, they have no idea how lucky they are. Their parents are so ignorant on how much they have spoilt them. No questions asked, they'll get what they want. Jealousy? hahaha, maybe a little. But i'm glad i'm not brought up that way. My parents will never say yes to all the things i want. especially when we were kids. They want us to learn to be independent and learn that we don't always get what we want. I remember when i was in primary school, i have friends who told me of the promises that their parents made if they were so score well or get an A. Me? i was told you shouldn't do well because of those things but because of your future. however, my mum was smart to use a bar of chocolate which costs one dollar back then to reward us for every A we received. My brother and I took this opportunity to see who get the most chocolates. Cheap thrill. However, i will always remember those moments. Yet, now, i see my cousins who was told that they can get a new hp if they manage to go to the Express stream after the PSLE. I mean, what the hell? i have to save up my own money to buy a new hp (mind you, the money came from the tuition lessons i gave) and pay my own bills. I treasure those items knowing that i had to work hard and save up for my savings.

I see people who can actually complain that their parents are angry at them for their high hp bills. Hello? you are the culprit, you ought to be scolded. i have people who complain they are broke. BUt hey, your defination of broke means or equal to no shopping. Get a life.

too many things to do... so little time. doesn't help your body feels so tired every now and then.

ok lar... till then....

2006-08-20T02:23:00.000-07:00

i'm feeling super irritated today... why? hormonal change?

i spent 2 hrs looking for my stack of prelims qns. I lost them. I LOST THEM. FREEK!!!

i'm so glad that i didn't have school today if not i'll be an emotional wreck. something is wrong with me today.

I hate losing my things. BLOODY HELL!!!

arghh, what's wrong with me today. I hope no one else will get on my nerves. I'll just go crazy. Like what i did to my eldest brother today. Since when did i get super irritated that he forgot to wipe the table or wash the spoons. let's just say Aina's just going crazy today...

2006-08-15T08:23:00.000-07:00

aghh... sneezing... and sneezing
sore throat
headache...

skip school today...
i don't think i'll be able to concentrate anyway...

man, what a time to get sick... bleegh....